The Secret Village (2013): Officially worse than ergot poisoning.

secretvillage1Today I watched The Secret Village (2013) as a part of the very first ever Shitfest Social over at the perenially classy Isaacs Picture Conclusions. I had really high expectations because I know Eric of IPC fame has quite the exquisite taste in film.

The Secret Village is set in an isolated village in the woods, a village which is vaguely related to the Salem witch trials. Greg (Jonathan Bennett, #whereisgreg), a budding screenwriter, is moving in to a house where he hopes to write his next screenplay. Rachel (Ali Faulkner), however, is the focus of the story – a passionate journalist, she hopes to uncover the story of a lifetime regarding the mysterious history of the village that none of the villagers want to talk about. As their search for the truth deepens, and threats are made against Rachel’s life, it is up to Rachel to ensure the truth is heard.

I don’t think this is the worst film I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely on the lower end of the film spectrum. It currently has a score of 2.7 on IMDb, so if you’re aware of that before watching it, you know what you’re getting into. Bad acting, bad script, bad music, bad sound design, bad sound editing, bad editing in general, bad everything. The film has a strange cut-up narrative that makes little to no sense, since the bits they’re cutting up happen five minutes apart from one another, so they may as well have edited it into a linear narrative. It seemed like someone was trying to make a fairly simple story look more complex, but in the process just made it worse than it already was.

One funny thing though, is that at some point in the film, Rachel is searching for images of witch hunts and trials (or something related to that – I was kind of sleepy by that point), and she ends up showing an image that used to be the header for this blog:

800px-Salem_witch2

Good times!

Anyway, even though this was a bad film, I had a lot of fun watching it and making sarcastic comments about it during the very first Shitfest Social. If you want a deeper insight into this piece of garbage, and you have some spare time on your hands, I’d definitely recommend having a read of the 400-odd comments in that amazing post. This is a good film to watch and make fun of. You won’t get much out of it aside from a couple of laughs, and the ending leaves a lot to be desired, but it’s one of those films that’s so bad that it’s almost enjoyably bad.

1/5
Watch the trailer here.

Watch this film at Amazon!

17 comments

  1. I actually really enjoyed this film. Obviously I haven’t seen it but I did read you guys’ comments!

    1. Haha! The comments were definitely way more fun than the film.

  2. Wish I hadn’t missed the social. Boo.

    1. There’s always next time! I hope we get to do another one soon!

  3. Anna!

    1) You have my never ending thanks for watching that with me (us) and cracking my ass up constantly!!

    2) Because of this – you have my loyalty (and fealty) forever!!!

    3) I might just get a Film Grimoire Tramp Stamp….

    4) This post is a zillion times better than that movie!

    5) I might sound lonely and you might think I’m depraved but yesterday was one of the most fun times I’ve had in forever – thank you!!

    1. Isaacs, you GET that tramp stamp!!!!! πŸ˜€ #athingofbeauty

      1. I just MIGHT!!!!

        Would you like to design it??

        1. YEP. I’ll get Mutant’s help. Which probably means you’ll be getting a tattoo of Hemsworth’s booty.

          1. LOL

    2. What a heartwarming comment! I had a great time too. There’s nothing better than snarking on a film with other like-minded individuals. Looking forward to the matching tramp stamp! OMG twinsies!

      1. TWINSIES 4 LIFE

  4. You should have written this review, so it kept repeating the sentence you just typed before it.

    1. Oh my god, I just imagined what that review would look like and experienced what I can only describe as a brain aneurism.

  5. […] as to put together a fucking hilarious post about it, which you can find and laugh yourself silly HERE. Β God damn, Anna!!! That’s […]

  6. hahah reading through the comments to the Social was one of the funniest things I’ve read. Sounds/looks like you all enjoyed a high-quality picture for sure!!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    Oh, and good review! Think I’ll do myself the favor of skipping around it

    1. Glad you enjoyed it, I sure did! πŸ™‚ I think reading the sarcastic comments is probably the best experience you can make from this film.

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