Episode five of seven! Not long to go now. The bad news is, this recap is insanely late. As a result, I’m using the classic numbered list format to attempt to get this post published, not because I’m particularly proud of this shoddy work, but because I’m a completist who must have each episode of this season recorded in some fashion for posterity. If you want to read a haphazard, disorganised and borderline illiterate recap of ‘Eastwatch’, please feel free to read below.

Spoiler alert: This post is filled with spoilers!

So, what did we learn this episode?

1.  Bronn did end up saving Jaime from drowning after all. Sometimes people talk about something called ‘plot armor’ for characters on this show, which I certainly believe in. Jaime was never going to die because someone had to tell Cersei that Olenna killed Joffrey back in season four.
2. Daenerys is going full Mad King Aerys II and burning her enemies if they refuse to bend the knee. She burns Randyll and Dickon Tarly; Sam’s father and brother. After the burning incident, the remainder of the Lannister army bends the knee to her, possibly out of fear.
3. Jaime returned to King’s Landing and Cersei was not happy about losing the battle to Daenerys and her dragons, and the Dothraki as well. Also, Cersei was shocked but not entirely surprised to find out that Olenna killed Joffrey so that Margaery could marry and control Tommen.
4. Daenerys returned to Dragonstone post-battle riding on Drogon, and Drogon and Jon Snow had a nice moment where Jon was allowed to pet him. Which is significant, plot-wise, because after all, Daenerys is technically Jon Snow’s aunt. I’ll never stop reminding people of that.
5. Jorah returned and was reunited with Daenerys. Back to the Friendzone.
6. Bran used ravens to have a look beyond the Wall and it turns out the Army of the Dead is massive, and the Night’s King knows Bran is trying to look for him.
7. A raven was sent to warn the learned Maesters of the Citadel at Oldtown about the Army of the Dead, but they would prefer to sit and wait for further reports before helping. Later, Sam and Gilly are reading some books and Gilly glosses over a very important part of Game of Thrones history (to do with Jon’s parentage) because Sam interrupts her. Good one Sam! Sam leaves the Citadel, because he’s seen the Army of the Dead and he knows he has to head off and help instead of just spending time studying to become a Maester (aka, cleaning bedpans all the time).
8. Tyrion and Varys have become slightly critical of Daenerys’ ruling style, and fair enough, because she has just roasted two people who opposed her.
9. Jon learned that Arya and Bran have returned to Winterfell and knows he needs to get back, particularly as the Army of the Dead are marching ever onwards, as per Bran’s vision. Jon, Tyrion and Varys concoct a plan to help Cersei understand that the Army of the Dead are real – they’ll capture a White Walker and bring one to her at King’s Landing. Tyrion will go to convince Jaime and Davos will use his smuggling skills to bring the White Walker down south. Really?
10. In Winterfell, the people approve of Sansa because she has stayed up North, but Arya things Sansa is being dodgy and power hungry. This show doesn’t allow female characters to support one another, is what I’ve learned.
11. In King’s Landing, Tyrion meets with Jaime in the underground dungeons, attempting to help Jaime see sense. Meanwhile, Davos goes to Flea Bottom and meets with who else but Gendry (a secret bastard of King Robert Baratheon who died in season one).
12. Gendry, in an attempt to conceal his identity as possibly the rightful heir to the Iron Throne at this point, when choosing a weapon to take with him and Davos, chooses to wield a hammer with some deer horns on it. Subtle, Gendry, as this was his secret father’s weapon of choice. Gendry bashes some guards with his hammer to help him, Tyrion and Davos escape King’s Landing.
13. Daenerys wants an armistice with Cersei and the Lannisters so that they can both fight the Army of the Dead, since she believes in the White Walkers now. Jaime lets Cersei know that Tyrion will bring proof of the White Walkers for Cersei to see. I can’t see any way that could go wrong.
14. Hey, guess what, Cersei is pregnant with Jaime’s baby. Again. Great! The Lannister dynasty lives on.
15. Lena Headey continues to be the best actress on this entire show.
16. At Dragonstone, Gendry reveals himself immediately to Jon Snow as a secret Baratheon. Their fathers were friends so they will be friends too. Cute.
17. Jon and friends leave Dragonstone to go back North, beyond the Wall.
18. Arya tries to stalk Littlefinger at Winterfell to beat him at his own game, but he double-crosses her and reinforces her suspicion of Sansa by hiding the letter Sansa wrote to Robb Stark back in season one where she essentially double-crosses her own father. Confusing. Unnecessary. Arya is probably going to kill him.
19. At Eastwatch, Jon meets with Tormund, and the Hound and his friends (Beric and Thoros) are there too. They all go beyond the Wall to catch a White Walker. It’s misty and there’s poor visibility. The end.
20. I’m left wondering why this episode was called ‘Eastwatch’ if we only got five minutes of it at the end. Oh well.

So I’m writing this mega-late and this is probably the best I can do in terms of writing a recap at this point in time. The good news is, there’s a new Game of Thrones episode tonight and I’m looking forward to it!

Was it just me, or were there not a lot of big highlights in this episode? Unless I’ve repressed all memory of them. I’ll forever love anything to do with Cersei, and that pregnancy revelation was an interesting one, but this episode seemed to be a bit of a lull. Perhaps that’s to be expected after the insanely amazing and breathtaking dragon battle last episode. Onwards, to episode six of seven!

3.5/5